Preface: Identity Journey

They didn't know I could hear them talking from the other room.
"Mom, is she always going to be fat?" I heard my brother ask my mom. I was only 8. 
"There's only one first impression," chanted my brother as he "encouraged" me to run the hills of the wheat fields behind our house when I was 13 and about to embark on a new high school as a freshman.  
"Pig!" yelled an upper classman to my awkward junior high self. 

Some things were not meant for my ears to hear, some were supposedly meant as encouragements, and some were directed harshly at my face but all of them left a imprint on my self worth and self esteem. 

I was a closet eater. I would quickly shove Little Debbies or snacks of the sort into my mouth as I hid in the pantry. At the age of six I began to gain weight. I was always one of the biggest in my class. I wasn't extremely over weight but I was more than just chubby. We didn't have a lot of money growing up so extra curricular sports or activities were not offered to me. We went to a small private school that didn't have much in the way of sports to offer any one other than high school ages. We ended up moving my freshman year to a small town in Idaho where I decided to play volleyball and basketball. This school had a very competitive sports program. I have a major fear of throwing up and I knew I was extremely out of shape and would probably end up losing my cookies in practice after school if I were to eat much of anything all day (the hot lunches were inedible so it was easy to resist). I would be so exhausted by the end of practice that I had no energy or desire to eat anything other than a bowl of cereal. I dropped about 40lbs in two months without thinking about it. With the weight loss and the gain of a few inches on my height I was being gossiped about- they thought I could be anorexic. Ha! 
I had more of an "Ugly Duckling" attitude. I didn't realize how thin I had become until I went to buy new clothes and had to get sizes in the single digits. 2 to be exact. 
After high school I gained the "freshmen 15" but quickly lost it when the gym become a huge part of my social life. I went to hang out with friends and ended up really loving to work out. I started running a lot (having a crush on a guy training for iron man helps the motivation but that is a story for another day). At one point I drove myself out to Medical Lake (my home of 7 years growing up) and ran around the 3.5 mile lake 4 times in hour and a half. This was sorta symbolic because my parents used to make us walk or ride our bikes around this lake and I would think it to be the worst punishment as a chubby kid with thighs that rubbed together and the shorts that creeped up. Now I was running around it willingly and not just once but 4 times! 
My "Ugly Duckling" naivety soon turned to full knowledge and awareness that I was now thin and beautiful when I was 19 and working for a drive thru coffee stand that gave half off drinks to fire fighters. I gained confidence daily. I did not, however, gain discernment of the world that is at the disposal of a young and beautiful girl. Lets just say that I was extremely sheltered as kid. I will elaborate on that another day.
The season of life that I am currently in has been a bigger struggle for me to find the drive to work out and establish healthy eating habits. My social life consist of me on my couch feeding and changing my 5 month old twin boys as I make my way through the 150 episodes of Gillmore Girls on Netflix. My clothing size is back in the double digits (specifically 12) and I couldn't run one mile to save my life. My fab has turned to flab.  

For the most part I did not have anything extremely traumatic compared to some happen to me but a lot of little things have added up to big things creating a distorted and unhealthy view of my body and self worth. 

Body image, self worth,and confidence are things the Lord is working on in me along with many other avenues of my life. These struggles are what I want to share with you as I figure them out and learn as I type. 

I will be sharing experiences and stories from my past as I journal through the present, hopefully shattering strong holds in my life and building a solid foundation for a Christlike role model for my 6 year old daughter (and my 3 sons). 

I am now, 33, married, mother of two sets of fraternal twins and above all a child of God- a sinner saved by grace- a saint redeemed. I want to share with you my journey for the next 6 months as I embark on becoming a healthier person full of worth in my Savior Jesus Christ. This is my Identity Journey.